This date has slowly been inching closer and I have been dreading its arrival. I've been mentally typing out a rough draft of what today's post would entail...lots of misery and boohoo-ing, laying in bed and wallowing in my sorrow, not wanting to talk to anyone, etc, etc, etc.
For today is (was) my due date.
Let's rewind...
In February 2009, I had my 2nd complete IVF. We were elated to discover that it was a success and we were expecting our little one in November - just in time for the holidays where family and friends would "ooh" and "aahh" over the perfection that was to be my child. Sadly, all of those dreams came crashing down when we discovered that the pregnancy was ectopic. We had lost another baby.
We cried and mourned and then continued on our journey. Our next attempt over the summer failed miserably and our most recent attempt in October was lined with hope, but still resulted in the same outcome.
I envisioned myself as a pile of self-pity today...but I'm ok.
I'm ok because even though I loved this child the moment I saw those two pink lines, I also know that this child was not the one God had planned for me to hold in my arms.
I'm ok because I know this is not the end of our journey.
Will another round of holidays without a child be difficult? Without a doubt.
Will another pregnancy announcement put me over the edge? Pretty close.
Will seeing infants in their mothers arms cause me to stop, regroup, and remember to breathe? For sure.
Will I give up? Never.
I am talking to my doctor on Wednesday about our options and what he thinks we should do next. I am hopeful and reliant on my Heavenly Father to open doors and lead us in the right direction.
One day, somehow, someway - I'll be the mommy.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
Look Familiar?
One of my FB friends posted this picture from a pumpkin decorating contest at the hospital where she works. Although I've never met this pumpkin patient, I'm sure she is an overly-poked, extremely emotional, always hopeful, completely broke, prayin' for peace patient. It's nice to know I'm not the only one...even the pumpkins of the world are dealing with IF!
Monday, October 26, 2009
Confirmed
My beta this morning confirmed it - negative.
That is such an ugly word. They need to come up with a better word to say when they call with that awful news. I know it is silly but even after three negative pregnancy tests, I still had a smidge of hope that it would be positive.
I like that word better.
Dh and I have a lot to talk about and decisions to make. We're meeting with our RE in a couple weeks to talk about options and what he suggests. I have so much in my head and I don't know which direction we are going to take...
We are praying for guidance and a peace of mind that, whatever we choose, we are following what God wants for us on this journey.
That is such an ugly word. They need to come up with a better word to say when they call with that awful news. I know it is silly but even after three negative pregnancy tests, I still had a smidge of hope that it would be positive.
I like that word better.
Dh and I have a lot to talk about and decisions to make. We're meeting with our RE in a couple weeks to talk about options and what he suggests. I have so much in my head and I don't know which direction we are going to take...
We are praying for guidance and a peace of mind that, whatever we choose, we are following what God wants for us on this journey.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
What's Next?
Thursday morning (13dpo) I woke up at 5:15 and couldn't wait a minute longer to test. I had dreamed all through the night about a positive pregnancy test and the joy of sharing the news with family. I remember being amazed at how dark that second line was. I slipped out of bed and tiptoed into the bathroom ready to make that dream a reality. But as I crawled back into bed with tears welling up in my eyes I fell back into a restless sleep and the dreams of joy had faded away.
When my dh woke up and saw the test I had left sitting on the bathroom sink, he wrapped his arms around me and held me while I cried. He whispered words of comfort ensuring me that we were in this together and somehow things were going to work out.
I made it though the day and started to convince myself that it was too early to test. My beta isn't scheduled until Monday, afterall. Maybe if I waited a few days the outcome would be different. Having a lack of self-control, I tested again this morning.
One line. One line staring at me reminding me that after 44 months, we would have to keep trying.
James 1:2-4 says:
2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.
I have endured the trials and I have had more patience than I thought possible. What am I doing wrong? I know, without a doubt, that God has a plan for my life. I know that His promises are true and there is a reason I am having to endure all of this pain and heartbreak. It's just so hard to focus on that future when the present is devastating.
This negative is the hardest one so far because I don't know what comes next. Every time before, I knew we would try another round of clomid, or another IUI, or another IVF. But we have had 4 IUIs and 3 completed IVFs and I don't know if I can endure another emotionally, mentally, and physically draining round of injections, appointments, and procedures. I know we are going to take a little timeout to figure this out. Oh, and while in a groggy state after waking up from retrieval they mentioned something about surgery for my newly found endometriosis, so that might have to happen before we do anything else.
I'm taking deep breaths and holding on to hope that someday, somehow, someway, we will be blessed with a child to love.
When my dh woke up and saw the test I had left sitting on the bathroom sink, he wrapped his arms around me and held me while I cried. He whispered words of comfort ensuring me that we were in this together and somehow things were going to work out.
I made it though the day and started to convince myself that it was too early to test. My beta isn't scheduled until Monday, afterall. Maybe if I waited a few days the outcome would be different. Having a lack of self-control, I tested again this morning.
One line. One line staring at me reminding me that after 44 months, we would have to keep trying.
James 1:2-4 says:
2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.
I have endured the trials and I have had more patience than I thought possible. What am I doing wrong? I know, without a doubt, that God has a plan for my life. I know that His promises are true and there is a reason I am having to endure all of this pain and heartbreak. It's just so hard to focus on that future when the present is devastating.
This negative is the hardest one so far because I don't know what comes next. Every time before, I knew we would try another round of clomid, or another IUI, or another IVF. But we have had 4 IUIs and 3 completed IVFs and I don't know if I can endure another emotionally, mentally, and physically draining round of injections, appointments, and procedures. I know we are going to take a little timeout to figure this out. Oh, and while in a groggy state after waking up from retrieval they mentioned something about surgery for my newly found endometriosis, so that might have to happen before we do anything else.
I'm taking deep breaths and holding on to hope that someday, somehow, someway, we will be blessed with a child to love.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Update and Awards
Well the weather dipped into the 50's last night and we woke up to a crisp, cool, Sunday morning. This kind of weather in South Florida is heavenly - we have the windows open and hubby is grilling for lunch. Cassidy, my niece is staying with us this weekend and is providing quite a bit of entertainment. I love this age (3) - she is a delight!
We are half way though our 2 week wait and I am remaining hopeful that God's hands are molding the beginning of the life of our precious miracle in my womb. My beta is scheduled for Monday, the 26th, but I'm sure I'll do a hpt before then...we'll see how long I can hold out!
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On to the awards...
Thank you to Brittney and Courtney for this awesome award! Brittney just received her BFP and I am so happy for her!! Courtney is starting an IVF cycle and I am praying this is the one for her! Both of these girls have blogs that truly exhibit their faith and trust in God. They are sweet and encouraging and I love following their journeys! Thanks girls!!
1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award and write a little bit about why you love them. 
We are half way though our 2 week wait and I am remaining hopeful that God's hands are molding the beginning of the life of our precious miracle in my womb. My beta is scheduled for Monday, the 26th, but I'm sure I'll do a hpt before then...we'll see how long I can hold out!
*********************************************************
On to the awards...
Thank you to Brittney and Courtney for this awesome award! Brittney just received her BFP and I am so happy for her!! Courtney is starting an IVF cycle and I am praying this is the one for her! Both of these girls have blogs that truly exhibit their faith and trust in God. They are sweet and encouraging and I love following their journeys! Thanks girls!!
All we need is a little LOVE! This blog award is about sisters uniting together and giving others some love because life is hard and who couldn't use a little love?The rules for this award are simple.
I LOVE YOU = 8 letters which gives you 8 rules :)
1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award and write a little bit about why you love them.
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4. Nominate no more than 17 people who you love or you think could use some love.
5. Write one word (you can only use a word once) about what you love about their blog.
6. You cannot nominate someone who has already been nominated - the love has to spread to all. 7. Post links to the 17 blogs you nominate.
8. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.
Since I know a few of you have already received this award, I'm not going to list my nominees. Instead, if you left a comment on my last post (there are 18 of you, so I'm breaking the rules again) then this award is for you! You girls are awesome, encouraging, hilarious, understanding, loving, friendly, uplifting, courageous, determined, faithful, hopeful, godly, determined, inspirational, honest, strong, and real. Oh, and you ROCK! xoxo
This next award is from sweet Marie and My Expected End. She is a true picture of strength and patience. I love reading her blog as she consistently reminds me that God is in control. Thanks, Marie!
Here are the rules for the Over The Top Award:
USE ONLY ONE WORD! It’s not as easy as you might think. Copy and change the answers to suit yourself and pass it on. It’s really hard to use only one-word answers so try your best!
Tag 6 other bloggers and let them know that you think they are 'Over the Top'!
1. Where is your cell phone? purse
2.Your hair? up
3. Your mother? inspirational
4. Your father? respected
5. Your favorite food? Italian
6. Your dream last night? weird
7. Your favorite drink? tea
8. Your dream/goal? motherhood
9. What room are you in? office
10. Your hobby? blogging
11. Your fear? unthinkable
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Tennessee
13. Where were you last night? home
14. Something that you aren’t? quitter
15. Muffins? yum
16. Wish list item? baby
17. Where did you grow up? mountains
8. Last thing you did? groceries
19. What are you wearing? comfort
20. Your TV? football
21. Your pets? none
22. Friends? true
23. Your life? blessed
24. Your mood? hopeful
25. Missing someone? yes
26. Vehicle? Honda
27. Something you’re not wearing? socks
28. Your favorite store? Macy's
29. Your favorite color? pink
30. When was the last time you laughed? morning
31. Last time you cried? Yesterday
32. Your best friend? Hubby
33. One place that I go to over and over? Publix
34. One person who emails me regularly? mom
35. Favorite place to eat? Cheescake.Factory
Monday, October 12, 2009
Transfer Day
First I would like to thank all of you for your sweet comments and prayers! It warms my heart and brings a smile to my face knowing that so many prayers are being lifted for our little embie. :)
This morning my alarm clock went off at 6:45 and I almost sprung out of bed so excited for today's transfer. We were at the office almost exactly an hour later ready to meet our little embie. I slipped into one of those not-so-flattering pink gowns and was lead into a little room for the procedure.
The doctor came in - I was so anxious to hear the growth report and he didn't waste any time letting me know. On day three, our little one was a beautiful six cells. Since I was hoping for 8 cells, I have to admit a tinge of disappointment tried to sneak its way in and ruin my optimistic mood of the morning. But the doctor quickly assured me that he was happy with the growth and I reminded myself that our little embryo was a miracle in and of itself - the only egg retrieved, fertilized and was now 6 cells.
The transfer was quick and painless. My sister, a resident OB/GYN who had done rotations with my RE's office, held the ultrasound for the procedure and after the doctor and nurse scooted out, my dh, sis, and I said a prayer for precious baby L.
Since the office is about 3 1/2 hours away, we made a little bed in the backseat so I could remain horizontal for the ride home. It was going well until about halfway through the ride when my lower back started to hurt. I tried to reposition myself in every way possible, but nothing helped. I was in pain.
We got home around one and I crawled into my bed. I put a heating pad under my back and finally fell asleep for an hour or so. When I woke up, my back was showing some signs of relief.
Several friends and family members called, texted, and emailed to let me know that they were thinking about me and praying for us. I can't thank everyone enough for the prayers and well-wishes. My younger sister called on her way home from work and offered to pick up a prescription and bring me dinner. So sweet. My baby sister joined us as well and the three of us had a girls night (dh is at the Monday Night Football Dolphins vs. Jets game)...he has called a few times to check on the mommy-to-be :)
I took tomorrow off as well, and plan to stay in this horizontal position as much as possible. Good thing my DVR is full!
So now we are in the dreaded 2ww. I know that God is in this - He is in control 110% and the outcome will be His will for us in this journey.
This morning my alarm clock went off at 6:45 and I almost sprung out of bed so excited for today's transfer. We were at the office almost exactly an hour later ready to meet our little embie. I slipped into one of those not-so-flattering pink gowns and was lead into a little room for the procedure.
The doctor came in - I was so anxious to hear the growth report and he didn't waste any time letting me know. On day three, our little one was a beautiful six cells. Since I was hoping for 8 cells, I have to admit a tinge of disappointment tried to sneak its way in and ruin my optimistic mood of the morning. But the doctor quickly assured me that he was happy with the growth and I reminded myself that our little embryo was a miracle in and of itself - the only egg retrieved, fertilized and was now 6 cells.
The transfer was quick and painless. My sister, a resident OB/GYN who had done rotations with my RE's office, held the ultrasound for the procedure and after the doctor and nurse scooted out, my dh, sis, and I said a prayer for precious baby L.
Since the office is about 3 1/2 hours away, we made a little bed in the backseat so I could remain horizontal for the ride home. It was going well until about halfway through the ride when my lower back started to hurt. I tried to reposition myself in every way possible, but nothing helped. I was in pain.
We got home around one and I crawled into my bed. I put a heating pad under my back and finally fell asleep for an hour or so. When I woke up, my back was showing some signs of relief.
Several friends and family members called, texted, and emailed to let me know that they were thinking about me and praying for us. I can't thank everyone enough for the prayers and well-wishes. My younger sister called on her way home from work and offered to pick up a prescription and bring me dinner. So sweet. My baby sister joined us as well and the three of us had a girls night (dh is at the Monday Night Football Dolphins vs. Jets game)...he has called a few times to check on the mommy-to-be :)
I took tomorrow off as well, and plan to stay in this horizontal position as much as possible. Good thing my DVR is full!
So now we are in the dreaded 2ww. I know that God is in this - He is in control 110% and the outcome will be His will for us in this journey.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
One tiny miracle ♥
Yesterday after my retrieval, the nurse told me that I should receive a call by noon today letting me know if our one precious egg had fertilized. I woke up at 7:15 and could not fall back asleep knowing that such an important call could come at any moment. 8:00 rolled around and I had my phone by my side, 9:00 - I really wanted to take a shower, but that wasn't happening until after the phone call. 10:00, 11:00 - now I'm just getting impatient. 11:48 - the phone rings, my heart drops.
I took a deep breath and answered the phone.
Good news! Our lone egg is now our lone embryo. :) Praises to my Heavenly Father!
Please join me in continuing to pray for our one little miracle. I am praying that the cells will divide and multiply and this precious life will be successfully transferred on Monday to begin growing inside my womb. God is able, and God is good.
I took a deep breath and answered the phone.
Good news! Our lone egg is now our lone embryo. :) Praises to my Heavenly Father!
Please join me in continuing to pray for our one little miracle. I am praying that the cells will divide and multiply and this precious life will be successfully transferred on Monday to begin growing inside my womb. God is able, and God is good.
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