November 9, 2009

This date has slowly been inching closer and I have been dreading its arrival. I've been mentally typing out a rough draft of what today's post would entail...lots of misery and boohoo-ing, laying in bed and wallowing in my sorrow, not wanting to talk to anyone, etc, etc, etc.

For today is (was) my due date.

Let's rewind...
In February 2009, I had my 2nd complete IVF. We were elated to discover that it was a success and we were expecting our little one in November - just in time for the holidays where family and friends would "ooh" and "aahh" over the perfection that was to be my child. Sadly, all of those dreams came crashing down when we discovered that the pregnancy was ectopic. We had lost another baby.

We cried and mourned and then continued on our journey. Our next attempt over the summer failed miserably and our most recent attempt in October was lined with hope, but still resulted in the same outcome.

I envisioned myself as a pile of self-pity today...but I'm ok.

I'm ok because even though I loved this child the moment I saw those two pink lines, I also know that this child was not the one God had planned for me to hold in my arms.

I'm ok because I know this is not the end of our journey.

Will another round of holidays without a child be difficult? Without a doubt.

Will another pregnancy announcement put me over the edge? Pretty close.

Will seeing infants in their mothers arms cause me to stop, regroup, and remember to breathe? For sure.

Will I give up? Never.

I am talking to my doctor on Wednesday about our options and what he thinks we should do next. I am hopeful and reliant on my Heavenly Father to open doors and lead us in the right direction.

One day, somehow, someway - I'll be the mommy.